@_little_old_me

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

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@BigRadMachine

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

@Grommit56

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

@malloryomeara

Work from home culture is keeping emergency pants by the front door in case someone knocks.

@imence2

Gf:Do u love me?

Me:Yes.

Gf:Why do u love me?

Me:You’re the best.

Gf:I’m the best at what?

Me:Asking questions.

Gf: Like what?

Me:…

@sarcasm_inc

Sorry I’m late, guys. SOMEbody..
*gestures at wife*
told me this knife fight started at..
*sees everyone holding guns*
FANtastic, Ellen

@bonehugsnirony

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.