12. I think about this all the damn time
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
-70% of True Blood dialogue
did you read dr seuss as a kid because green eggs and damn
Work from home culture is keeping emergency pants by the front door in case someone knocks.
Gf:Do u love me?
Gf:Why do u love me?
Me:You’re the best.
Gf:I’m the best at what?
Gf: Like what?
Sorry I’m late, guys. SOMEbody..
*gestures at wife*
told me this knife fight started at..
*sees everyone holding guns*
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.