@racquetball38 12. I think about this all the damn time
@_little_old_me A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
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@racquetball38 
@YourMomsucksTho My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
@BigRadMachine I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
@Grommit56 Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
@PaperWash “Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
@pickupIines did you read dr seuss as a kid because green eggs and damn
@malloryomeara Work from home culture is keeping emergency pants by the front door in case someone knocks.
@imence2 Gf:Do u love me?
Me:Yes.
Gf:Why do u love me?
Me:You’re the best.
Gf:I’m the best at what?
Me:Asking questions.
Gf: Like what?
Me:…
@sarcasm_inc Sorry I’m late, guys. SOMEbody..
*gestures at wife*
told me this knife fight started at..
*sees everyone holding guns*
FANtastic, Ellen
@bonehugsnirony A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.