A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
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shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)