A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.


Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.


Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.


If a picture says a thousand words, why do you need 22 hashtags on your Instagram photographs?


11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.


I have a dream, that all men are created equal. Just a bunch of regular men. Like, no “super” men for instance

– Martin Lex Luthor King


Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*


[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands