The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
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Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
maybe amazon should keep their opinions to themselves
If a picture says a thousand words, why do you need 22 hashtags on your Instagram photographs?
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I have a dream, that all men are created equal. Just a bunch of regular men. Like, no “super” men for instance
– Martin Lex Luthor King
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands