*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
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If you stare at a 6 year old when they’re eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
me: I love jalapeños
me: we’re palapeños 🙂
boss: you’re fired
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Don’t mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months
*Sees cute barista*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
Never mind. Load it up.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Make it a Great Friday by not getting nailed to a cross.