@RainbowJohnJ

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

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@Amusitr0n

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

@jeffswarens

If you stare at a 6 year old when they’re eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.

@chuuew

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

@pilau

me: I love jalapeños

boss: same

me: we’re palapeños 🙂

boss: you’re fired

@django

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

@TedBundybitch

Don’t mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months

@junejuly12

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

@aligarchy

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

@girlnarly

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you