A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

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*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*


If you stare at a 6 year old when they’re eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.


WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle


me: I love jalapeños

boss: same

me: we’re palapeños 🙂

boss: you’re fired


looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours


Don’t mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months


[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.


it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw


lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you