@IGotsSmarts

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

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@SortaBad

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

@Carmensadie

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

@Parkerlawyer

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

@somewhatalady

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

@badAzz_mom

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

@girl_a_whirl

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

@Steelers1972

I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.

@English_Channel

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

@jobless4eyes

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!