@IGotsSmarts

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

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@pjux

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

@BCMontgo

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

@TheBoydP

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

@Weird_Rash

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

@Sarcasticsapien

I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

@GrowlyGrego

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

@DaddyJew

Me: sleep before the monsters get you

7: monsters aren’t real

M: you sound like your brother

7: brother?

M: I’ve said too much already