A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

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[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator


Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.


Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.


“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”


Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.


18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …


I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.


Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him


What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?