“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
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Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
The Moon: [swipes left]
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
You’re way too dumb.
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Me: sleep before the monsters get you
7: monsters aren’t real
M: you sound like your brother
M: I’ve said too much already