Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
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football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.