A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
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Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again