A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
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1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.