A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
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My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
🤣🤣🤣
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.