@dadopotamus

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

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@iamburtjarvis

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

@BillMc7

Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

@ValeeGrrl

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

@Death_Buddy

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

@DanMentos

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

@moooooog35

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

@OLDIRTYDIAPER

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

@onedavedeep

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”