@dadopotamus

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

You Might Also Like

@TheLoinRanger

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

@TheDairylandDon

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

@Girliegurll

I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn’t tell I was drinking. I’m worried about her, now.

@funflaps

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

@IamJackBoot

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

@errhmagerd

I’m in an abusive relationship. controlling, manipulative, overbearing, demanding.

it’s for his own good.

@Staggfilms

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

@dhumann

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

@wickedsuga

Maybe the baby wasn’t on board. Maybe the baby was against the whole thing.

@_mindflakes

Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds