A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
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Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH