A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
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70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Oops I deleted….
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35