[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
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Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.