A Match(.com), but for socks.
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me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”