@Shock_Monster: If your bio says "Producer, entrepreneur, DJ, & businessman" I'm assuming you misspelled "Lives with Mom, works at McDonalds."

@Xoolun: My GFs family are religious which sux 1st time I stayed there her dad wouldnt let us sleep together Was a shame cuz he was very attractive

@evilistheheart: townsfolk: you should come to the festival me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival? townsfolk: which will entice you to be there? me: oh i’m going regardless

@Home_Halfway: {Thomas Edison prank call} Is your refrigerator running? "Yes.." YOU'RE WELCOME! *click*

@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.