@joejwest: [vet school] ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because- [spins cat on finger like basketball] -I have no idea what I'm doing

@: Don't try to explain yourself to stupid people. You're not the jackass whisperer.

@GreyDeLisle: "I'm so tired of that little piece of cheese." -My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

@david8hughes: [wife drops me at the airport] Wife: have a safe flight Me: I have no say in the matter Wife [already driving off]: die then

@david8hughes: I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn't even at work. He heard from home.