Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.
I was watching tv with my mom & she was amazed a blind guy didn’t care his son was missing & I was like outta sight outta mind am I right
The neighbor’s wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today.
-I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.