@SpencerLenox: A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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@joejwest: [vet school] ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because- [spins cat on finger like basketball] -I have no idea what I'm doing
@david8hughes: [wife drops me at the airport] Wife: have a safe flight Me: I have no say in the matter Wife [already driving off]: die then