@SpencerLenox

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

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@nutsaremixed

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

@chopper4jk

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

@AbbyHasIssues

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

@wickedsuga

Proud of myself. I only ate 1 brownie today.

I mean, it was cut up into 8 very large pieces and took up the whole pan but yeah, 1 brownie.

@DanMentos

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

@dril

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

@hurlarious

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

@_thatigirl

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

@meghaffer

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

@jannable9

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above