@SpencerLenox

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

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@AnniemuMary

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

@thepunningman

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

@JasonLastname

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

@KevinBuffalo

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

@Underchilde

I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.

@zachreinert03

I was watching tv with my mom & she was amazed a blind guy didn’t care his son was missing & I was like outta sight outta mind am I right

@mstluvstrinkets

The neighbor’s wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today.

-I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard

@11MyJam

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

@LibelousLurker

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.