A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

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Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught


Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.


I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.


Proud of myself. I only ate 1 brownie today.

I mean, it was cut up into 8 very large pieces and took up the whole pan but yeah, 1 brownie.


“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?


glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,


Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school


Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”


Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex


Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above