A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.