@Bob_Janke

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

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@SortaBad

To impress a woman in the workplace, ignore her body and compliment her IDEAS. Example: Sharon it was a great idea to wear that tight skirt

@HomeProbably

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

@GoodZiIIa

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

@Karate_Horse

do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said

@yassinovic89

Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?

Me: who telled you?

@frogpissmouth

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

@MartaEffing

I laid my tired head down on my pillow & saw the most terrifying thing I could possibly imagine:
My phone.
On my dresser.
Across the room.

@GrowlyGrego

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?