A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
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If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
¯_(ツ)_/¯
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.