Someday I’m gonna miss this place. I can’t wait for that day
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Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.
COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim’s mirror
ME: You can’t prove it was me
COP: It was written in Dorito dust
ME: I want a lawyer
WHO WAS THE PERSON WHO PASSED UP THE CHANCE TO CALL GERMAN CURRENCY GERMONEY
Me: What are the lyrics to every 80s sitcom I’ve ever seen
Brain: Coming right up
Me: Remember to pay that bill
I’m putting “open bar” on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn’t mean u can skip it, slackers.
If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.