Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
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If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Banking tips
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn