@generativist

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

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@tsm560

Someday I’m gonna miss this place. I can’t wait for that day

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

@tsm560

Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.

@InternetHippo

COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim’s mirror
ME: You can’t prove it was me
COP: It was written in Dorito dust
ME: I want a lawyer

@chanelpuke

WHO WAS THE PERSON WHO PASSED UP THE CHANCE TO CALL GERMAN CURRENCY GERMONEY

@dumbbeezie

Me: What are the lyrics to every 80s sitcom I’ve ever seen
Brain: Coming right up

Me: Remember to pay that bill
Brain: Nope

@VodkaThursday

I’m putting “open bar” on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn’t mean u can skip it, slackers.

@1halfof2

If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.

@professorkiosk

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

@mollzbenn

Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.