I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
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sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Thanks to a fan for this one!
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.