@UberFacts

A mentally ill man shot himself in the head as a suicide attempt. The bullet cured his disorder and he became a straight-A college student.

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@MomOfTeen

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

@drinksmcgee

*buys my kids a PlayStation 4

*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games

*starts drinking heavily

@rickolantern

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

@mdob11

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

@JasonBerlin

Seems like ladies hate being asked how their Thanksgiving was, no matter how playfully I pat their stomachs.

@behindyourback

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

@Sassafrantz

I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”

@PaulyPeligroso

Wait, is Obama our second black President or our first black President again?

@Robert_Beau

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?