A message for my stalker:

I’m cool with the whole stalking thing but, like, could you PLEASE turn the coffee pot on for me in the morning

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“Pick a pencil. Look at it. Now put it back with the other pencils. Was your pencil the number 2?”-Steve, shitty pencil magician


Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.


{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers


I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.


The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse


Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.


Best part about marriage?


Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.


Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series


Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.


I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.