@anniealone23

A message for my stalker:

I’m cool with the whole stalking thing but, like, could you PLEASE turn the coffee pot on for me in the morning

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@ibid78

“Pick a pencil. Look at it. Now put it back with the other pencils. Was your pencil the number 2?”-Steve, shitty pencil magician

@Kyle_Lippert

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

@KimmyMonte

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

@StellaRtwot

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

@MavenofHonor

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

@aveuaskew

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

@AmishPornStar1

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

@SnarkyMommy78

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

@ComedicBust

Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.

@candace_9871

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.