@SvnSxty

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

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@DearAnyone

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

@andylassner

“I haven’t accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others”

-Critics

@DrakeGatsby

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

@sarita6032

I hit 2k followers. Now that I’ve gathered you all here, I’d like to discuss the benefits of Amway

@KentWGraham

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

@TheAlexNevil

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

@thepunningman

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

@TheHyyyype

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

@Home_Halfway

DATE’S FATHER: What business do you have with my daughter
ME: Oh this isn’t a work thing, we’re gonna watch a movie and smooch all night