If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
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me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires
british officer: what about that bloody fork
me: this is no time to eat sir
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: … V-Verizon.