A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Air conditioning – not a fan
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.