@SvnSxty

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

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@AimeeHelene1

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

@0hJuliette

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

@scrirc

I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.

@captainkalvis

CRIME SCENE

me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires

british officer: what about that bloody fork

me: this is no time to eat sir

@effinghandbook

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

@batkaren

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.