“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
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“I haven’t accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I hit 2k followers. Now that I’ve gathered you all here, I’d like to discuss the benefits of Amway
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
DATE’S FATHER: What business do you have with my daughter
ME: Oh this isn’t a work thing, we’re gonna watch a movie and smooch all night