A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
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“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
You deplete me
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.