A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
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me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Tastes like chicken.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
it must be school picture day
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.