A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.


Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich


Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon


Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think


Me: Why do you look so sad


I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i’m doing better than every person in the movie.


An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.


Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.


Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering


“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds


Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”


True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..