A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
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*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop