@3sunzzz

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

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@radtoria

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

@alexlumaga

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

@shutupmikeginn

I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i’m doing better than every person in the movie.

@Rollinintheseat

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

@hurlarious

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

@selenamua_

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

@SortaBad

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

@LoveNLunchmeat

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

@AntozWolf

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..