*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
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Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips