My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
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Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
PLOT TWIST:
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.