“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
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What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Ape together strong
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.