@kimtopher22

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

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@DrDumbDum

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

@DaddyJew

Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

@causticbob

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

@weinerdog4life

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

@david8hughes

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

@UnFitz

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*