A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet


Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.


All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?


Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.


I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.


You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that


Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.


*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*