A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
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Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*