A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
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I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
step 6: release the wall snake
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.