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@WeedGifss: "A minute bro" 😂 😭 😂 😭
@GrowlyGrego: *wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
@Sean_Burgundy_: [ Skydiving ]
Instructor: SIR. You can't just jump out without your equipment on
Me: *Shows him text of gf saying "We need to talk"
@KateWhineHall: Using self-checkout lane so I don't have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: ... "Please wait for assistance."
@capnmcfword: I wasn't trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.