Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
bad news gang
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers