Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
You Might Also Like
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????