A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
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JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
23. the denim jacket