A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

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Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”


On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.


i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020


Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat


Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.


Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.


College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.


[arresting an octopus]
cop, exasperated into radio: no, like a whole box of handcuffs


[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.