IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
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OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you’re the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore
We are the people our parents warned us about.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
“the uk couldn’t POSSIBLY leave”
“trump couldn’t POSSIBLY be president”
“we couldn’t POSSIBLY start eating each other out of necessity”
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,