A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

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The last beer didn’t tell me why life is so confusing but it told me the next one would.


Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!


I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.


[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*


“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks


Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.


ME: I should get out of bed.
FRIEND: I already ran 9.5 miles and baked 17 cakes.
M: I might shower today.
F: My husband invented showers.


me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,


If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.