A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
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Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians