@10InchesPlus

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

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@BuyBritishMilk

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

@leannuh

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

@GrowlyGrego

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

@Parkerlawyer

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

@MarfSalvador

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

@BrokenDollMcGee

if I have learned anything from old movies,
you can’t shoot a tommy gun without laughing hysterically

@ImABaconDonut

5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: No.
Me: Why?
5: It’s faster my way.

I don’t know how to counter that argument.

@pplwtching

I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.