A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
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[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.