A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
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Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”