A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

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Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.


wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”


How To Avoid Dating

?You’re too young for me.
?I’m too young for you.
?I don’t date men my age.
?Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.


“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.


Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.


*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”


Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.


I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.