@TrophyWifeDayna

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

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@daemonic3

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos


727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

@bobinhiding

When the wife says, “Would you rather spend time with your imaginary friends than with me?” “Yeah, kind of.” Is not the right answer.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

@3sunzzz

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

@PeachCoffin

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

@SimplyRetard

“*RING**RING* in the middle
Of night! “Hello?” “Hey man are you home?” “No dude i just picked up my house phone from Burger King.”