A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
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I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves