Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
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When the wife says, “Would you rather spend time with your imaginary friends than with me?” “Yeah, kind of.” Is not the right answer.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
*eats banana seductively
Banana: I have a boyfriend
“*RING**RING* in the middle
Of night! “Hello?” “Hey man are you home?” “No dude i just picked up my house phone from Burger King.”