@TragicAllyHere

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

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@AudreyPorne

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

@darinlovesbacon

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, do you like princesses?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Well usually they have a nice set of ti-”

Wife: “Shut it.”

“I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON.”

@murrman5

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

@simoncholland

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

@duumb

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

@Shanehasabeard

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

@UnFitz

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

@edgarrants

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

@SharkJelly

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken