A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

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me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth


Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die


“Daddy, do you like princesses?”



“Well usually they have a nice set of ti-”

Wife: “Shut it.”



[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap


A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.


doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure


There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s


Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp


My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.


[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken