A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
FRED: right
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
ibopfufen
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.