@TragicAllyHere

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

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@KeetPotato

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

@knot_eye

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

@Book_Krazy

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

@Mr_Kapowski

My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter

Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall

@LizHackett

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

@Knorg

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

@BasicLyes

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

@DearAuntAbby

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us