me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
What the!? A cheesy board!?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter
Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us