@cashbonez

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

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@okimstillhungry

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

@64spoons

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

@argumentwinner

capitalism is the most efficient system to distribute resources and drive innovation

@fart

when a date asks you what your dreams are you gotta say you want a family or a great career or something. dont bring up the one where you catch a meteorite with a baseball glove and its the shrunken head of your old gym teacher who tells you the exact date and time you will die

@plethoricjake

As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. “Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door”

@thejessbess

People are like, “Jess, can you give me some advice?” & I’m like, “K, don’t get kidnapped.”

@robdelaney

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

@JohnLyonTweets

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

@ColoChiver

Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.

@drinksmcgee

I saw someone use “Terrierist” instead of “Terrorist” and I don’t know whether I should be afraid of my dogs or not.