*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
capitalism is the most efficient system to distribute resources and drive innovation
when a date asks you what your dreams are you gotta say you want a family or a great career or something. dont bring up the one where you catch a meteorite with a baseball glove and its the shrunken head of your old gym teacher who tells you the exact date and time you will die
As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. “Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door”
People are like, “Jess, can you give me some advice?” & I’m like, “K, don’t get kidnapped.”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
I saw someone use “Terrierist” instead of “Terrorist” and I don’t know whether I should be afraid of my dogs or not.