[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
The biggest mystery of our time