[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I am patiently waiting for your email
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!