A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
it was a valiant fight
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*