[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
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God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now