@andylassner

A Morning After pill but for over eating.

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@mostlysharks

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

@RachelNoise

If women had written the Bible, snoring would be considered a deviant behavior and/or manifestation of evil.

@kieransofar

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

@steeve_again

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

@dooce

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

@jctwritesstuff

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

@stereofiasco

Facebook codes…

Single: “Looking for sex”

In a relationship: “Having sex”

Married: “Not having sex”

It’s complicated: “Not having sex but my partner is”

@captainkalvis

me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50

Date: oh dear god no

Me: *counting my money* what about $57?

@phaggots

[ouija board]

Spirits im in need of your help

O N L Y I F Y O U H E L P U S

Sure

W T F I S Y O U R W I F I P A S S W O R D

@jeenabloom

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign