@andylassner
@mostlysharks
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
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@mostlysharks
@RachelNoise
If women had written the Bible, snoring would be considered a deviant behavior and/or manifestation of evil.
@kieransofar
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
@steeve_again
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
@dooce
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
@jctwritesstuff
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
@stereofiasco
Facebook codes…
Single: “Looking for sex”
In a relationship: “Having sex”
Married: “Not having sex”
It’s complicated: “Not having sex but my partner is”
@captainkalvis
me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50
Date: oh dear god no
Me: *counting my money* what about $57?
@phaggots
[ouija board]
Spirits im in need of your help
O N L Y I F Y O U H E L P U S
Sure
W T F I S Y O U R W I F I P A S S W O R D
@jeenabloom
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign