“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
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I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.