my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no