@Moronyc

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

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@vineyille

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

@Smooheed

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

@AimeeHelene1

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

@TheCatWhisprer

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

@lmegordon

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

@Robert_Beau

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

@AdamBroud

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

@boomdingwinning

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker