I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
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My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me: There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Fisheries Guy: Actually the fish population is dwindling at an alarming rate
Me: You’re not helping
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
older coworker: you don’t get any cake