waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?
me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
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HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I’m not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
wife: tell me her name
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.