@Fact

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

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@realbjdunne

[restaurant]

waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?

me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you

@FrenulumBreve

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

@vodkachrome

I’m not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.

@bingowings14

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

@BunAndLeggings

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

@PetrickSara

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

@MarfSalvador

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

@jessokfine

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

@RodLacroix

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.