@MavenofHonor

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

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@2questionable

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

@robfee

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

@Brianhopecomedy

Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.

@ShortSleeveSuit

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

@iGreenMonk

1)Print out a “WANTED” poster with your face on it.

2)Dress as a cop.

3)Go around asking people if they’ve seen this person.

@Dr_Teflon

*Ex wife yelling at me from driveway*

I HOPE YOU DIE A LONG AND PAINFUL DEATH!

Me- no babe I’m not moving back in

Ex-…..

@Megatronic13

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

@internetluke

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911