A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated


“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask them questions.” – all children


You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.


Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on


Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol


Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.


My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.


someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really


Probably a good thing I’m not a ghost cause I’d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.


Welcome to your 40s, sometimes you sleep so poorly you injure yourself