Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Me: it’s complicated
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
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“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask them questions.” – all children
You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Probably a good thing I’m not a ghost cause I’d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.
Welcome to your 40s, sometimes you sleep so poorly you injure yourself